the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
