the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
