so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize