He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize