Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
