she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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