She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
