I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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