my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
