Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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