Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
