I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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