I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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