R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
