I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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