Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize