if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
