what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
A bitchslap is in order.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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