It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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