I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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