I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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