mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
