when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
