i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
