He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
