Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
