i may or may not be watching the land before time
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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