david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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