Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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