she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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