So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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