Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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