He told me they were just razor bumps!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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