i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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