Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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