I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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