So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize