i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
