I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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