My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
