Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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