just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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