You can't special order awesome
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's always time for handjobs
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
