I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My feet surprised me
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