Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
