why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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