he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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