woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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