Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
