i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
