Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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