Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just gift wrapped bread.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
