Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
