Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
