please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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