Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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