If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
